Chapter 46: Losing It

After morning reading Jiang Ya did not stay in classroom—greeted subject teachers along the way—straight to office.
Grade-one office—many teachers had classes—director on rounds—less than half left—quiet empty.
Back to seat—bagged coffee left side unopened. Coffee essential on workdays—bought at Qi Yu’s shop this morning—unfortunately did not see her.
Unhurriedly took coffee—few sips—about to grade morning quiz.
Quiz short—but few papers in—dense English letters—sudden dizziness.
Shook heavy head—useless—sleepiness sweeping whole body—lifting lids hard.
Rare insomnia weekend.
Two nights straight—until past midnight barely sleepy. Last night worse—~5:30 sleep—6:30 alarm. Even that hour broken—unclear slept or woke repeatedly.
Small mercy—Monday—few classes—no evening duty—could go home early.
“Teacher Jiang.”
“Teacher Jiang?”
Fuzzy voice beside—dreamlike.
Moment—Jiang Ya startled—uncomfortably opened eyes—dry—blinked hard—brow knit—looked aside.
……
Li Wen.
Desk near hers—eyes wide—surprised. “Teacher Jiang—you okay?”
Called several times—Jiang Ya motionless.
Jiang Ya slightly embarrassed—pushed glasses. “Fine—resting eyes closed.”
Meant to prop forehead—minutes asleep.
“You didn’t sleep well?” Li Wen looked—pale—no color—fatigue under glasses could not hide.
Took mint box from desk—two pieces—handed Jiang Ya. “Mint—wake up a bit.”
Jiang Ya took—smiled. “Thanks.”
“Really didn’t sleep—insomnia last night—need to fix schedule these days.”
Li Wen and middle-aged teacher behind also surprised.
Teacher behind also Class Four—past forty—health-focused most. Put down goji thermos—worried. “Teacher Jiang—so young and insomnia—not good.”
“Stress lately—or other reason?”
Li Wen echoed. “Yeah—don’t pressure yourself—anxiety—overthink before bed—insomnia.”
Sudden care made Jiang Ya pause—light smile—vague—went along—chatted—back to work.
One hand propping head—grading—overwhelmed—halfway mind elsewhere.
Glanced phone—stalled—eyes stuck.
Ridiculous. Since Friday night first tried AI—questions never stopped—chat log probably endless scroll.
Asked every angle every phrasing—same question—same answer always.
Knew it—could not get answer that reassured—dissatisfied.
Childish. Why argue with virtual thing.
But asked heart—dared not answer.
Dead loop. Nights repeat—haunting.
Could not solve—wanted escape—dared not scroll chat with Qi Yu—dared not recall anything—even liking Moments—thought three times.
Including coffee shop this morning—impulse. Before door worried seeing Qi Yu—what expression polite—distracted all way. Did not see Qi Yu—relief—and empty—stayed minutes more.
Meaningless in her view—but thoughts occupied—body out of control—could not help think do feel—if that night she had not pushed away…
Truly losing it.
Closed opened eyes—deep breath—eyes on phone cold complex.
Moved gaze away—tucked loose hair—red pen lifting—paused.
Quickly opened drawer—phone deepest—shut.
Out of sight out of mind.
……
Another week passed.
Qi Yu lately good all around.
Shop no worry—writing with Zhou He’s guidance—after that night much closer. Qi Yu took the initiative to invite night runs—Zhou He ordered delivery—checked in—mature of older generation—young humor—comfortable.
This weekend apartment not lonely—Tang and Qi Xuan—noisy—sound never stopped.
Tang planned weekend visit—Xuan heard—insisted come. Three people—bed crowded.
AC comfortable—Tang and Xuan at foot gaming—Qi Yu center on bed scrolling shorts—replying Zhou He.
Peaceful until game fail sound—both wailed—Tang cursed.
Emotional—curse words reached Qi Yu—brow knit.
Sat up slightly—Tang loose tee shorts—legs crossed—Xuan human backrest—intimate—strangers would think sisters.
Said Xuan not clingy—now inseparable.
Lay back—new position. “Can you talk nicer?”
“No—that guy wouldn’t cooperate—we lost! Still has mic open—that stats I’d hide!”
Tang cursed—turned—face on Xuan’s back—poked her. “Done—bad day for ranked—sister can’t carry—more games we drop rank.”
Sat up off Xuan—Xuan glanced back—blank—“Then not ranked—something else?”
Tang: “No next time—next time I carry.”
“Oh…” Xuan looked longer—muted—new game.
Qi Yu deep in Zhou He chat—did not notice watcher behind.
“That’s the sister you mentioned?” Tang sudden—Qi Yu jumped.
Screen off—Tang bedside—smile—meaningful.
Qi Yu sat up—curled legs in quilt—speechless. “Don’t sneak attack—scary.”
Tang blinked innocent. “Didn’t mean scare—normal topics—what you afraid of.”
“Tsk.” Frowned—glanced Xuan’s back.
Tang understood—lowered voice though thought fine. “She’s old enough—knows.”
“Says… whole class… still afraid she knows you…”
“Don’t talk nonsense.”
“Fine—Bluetooth on—quiet—she won’t hear.”
Qi Yu looked at Tang helpless.
Tang not diverted—chin at phone—low. “So you two—what stage?”
“…Don’t know—still getting to know.”
“Met in person still ‘getting to know.’” Tang raised brow—if her—drunk night—invite home to “do something.”
Qi Yu: “Can’t? Step by step—friends first?”
Tang: “…Don’t end still friends—when it’s time to make a move, make a move.”
“I am.” Glanced new message—Tang present—did not open. “Fine like this.”
No answer Tang went straight. “Say it—do you like her—or just friends.”
Qi Yu really thought. “I think… more than fondness—I like her quite a bit.”
“Real?” Tang shocked—knew Qi Yu years—reserved slow burn—“like” said easily now.
“Really.” Qi Yu serious examples. “Don’t mind age—comfortable talking—job fits mine… chat often—want to ask her out.”
Tang listened—brow knit—wanted loud—Xuan here—whispered.
“What kind of like is that—you’re just admiring her.”
Qi Yu disagreed. “I want to see her—that counts? I don’t casually want to see people.”
“Doesn’t count.” Tang: “Two kinds of like. First—always want close—physical contact—you’re clearly not that passionate type.”
“Second—you want to see her—but not only see—nervous worried—want to ask but dare not—want near but not too near… simply—many emotions because of this person—can’t help it but must restrain—get it?”
“You liked someone… you should know.”
Qi Yu stared—no reply—looked away—thoughtful.
Ignored—Tang found Xuan—wanted another round. Xuan silently quit game—Bluetooth away—dead battery charge—muted after.
Tang looked at both—why low mood—bored—went living room for soda.
~4 PM Xuan and Tang left—Qi Yu saw them off—downstairs convenience store—snacks supplies.
Peaceful return.
Unlucky—elevator met Jiang Ya.
Qi Yu big bag—head down phone—looked up—same person waiting—stunned.
How long since met—unclear—since café last time.
……
White pajamas made face almost reflective—look closer—fragile weak.
Jiang Ya also stunned—no words—nod smile at Qi Yu—eyes on bag. “Went supermarket?”
Qi Yu drifted—nodded—saw two packages in her hands—polite. “Getting packages.”
“Mm.” Jiang Ya light.
Turned back—silence.
Elevator came—only two—entered one after another.
Qi Yu back—Jiang Ya by buttons—head down—thin frame—short sleep pants—ankle showing.
Qi Yu glanced—moved away fast.
Fourth floor—should part quick. Door just closed—Jiang Ya swayed.
Qi Yu peripheral—did not look—light frown.
“Hiss…” Jiang Ya muffled sound—hand on wall—Qi Yu could not hold back—stepped beside.
Hand to support—half raised—dropped. Stared pale face—pain biting lip—packages over abdomen—guessed.
“You… period pain again?” Finally one hand behind her—not touching—afraid she’d fall.
Jiang Ya pain—no words—cold sweat—nodded—shook head.
Voice like whisper. “Fine… medicine at home…”
“You…” Emotion surged—care swallowed—frowned. “Wasn’t your period over long ago? Why now?”
Jiang Ya shook head again—half body on elevator wall.
Could guess—insomnia lately—mood swings—period two weeks late—irregular—worse pain.
Qi Yu beside—hand behind not down—brow locked—concern thick—unaware.
No time—elevator reached four.
Even near fainting Jiang Ya dragged—heavy steps outward.
Qi Yu anxious—followed—“You…”
Just spoke—Jiang Ya back paused—weak hand up—don’t follow.
Looked back—pressed lips—pain—sweat in mouth—messy—still shook head at Qi Yu.
Qi Yu stood—did not advance—dazed until door slowly closed—through gap almost falling—heart sank.
Thought numb heart somehow revived—dull ache—each beat heavy—pain as deep.