Chapter 18: Heart Flutter

All eyes on Qi Yu’s face. Brow knit—eyes unblinking at the person so close—lips pressed—two words soft:
“No.” Firm.
Light tone—answer like stone dropped.
Jiang Ya still stared—seemed stunned—no response.
Air weird silent one second—Li Tong broke it. “Right—no eating grass twice—same as me—don’t believe in getting back with an ex.”
“…Can see it that way.” Qi Yu lowered eyes—paused— “If it broke, there was a problem—a reason.”
“Even if fixed later—that’s later. Simple—tear paper, glue it—trace remains—never gone.”
Li Tong: “Me I’d cut off completely—why keep useless ties.”
“Different from you.” Faint smile in Qi Yu’s eyes. “I’m easygoing—ordinary friends okay—strangers okay… I don’t force how it must be.”
She meant it.
Any relationship.
She never expected restore to before—what happened is fact—facts don’t change—cracks stay—repair time unknown.
Her stance—for anyone—for Jiang Ya, for Qi Li.
Not meant to point—but thinking that—peripheral vision kept drifting one direction.
Blur beside her—sitting still—looking nowhere—focused or absent.
Li Tong and others moved on—Qi Yu did not listen—eyes tried—lost—turned at last—
Jiang Ya upright—profile only—no expression—like spacing out—far gaze forward—calm—only fragment light in black pupils.
Complex deep mysterious—person in fog—you want to part mist—never lift the veil.
Not first time Qi Yu felt this.
But now like gravity—gaze not leaving as fast—stayed longer.
She clearly saw—those eyes flicker once at her look—Jiang Ya did not look back—not easy chat like before.
Only silence—lyrics scrolling on screen—quiet—wrong for the loud room.
She would not speak—Qi Yu would not either.
Qi Yu was never the initiator.
Only tucked away the looking—sat spacing out with her—sank together in blurred thought.
With Li Tong the heat kept rising—games ended—talk from each other to the ends of earth—only Qi Yu and Jiang Ya joined no topic—listened to one love song after another.
Someone on relationships—cut a love song on cue.
No intro—
*Don’t dare look back—glance left and right—unnatural secret crush*
*Can’t stop trying to talk—restless in your seat*
*Testing goodnight—empty and sour*
Melancholy melody in Qi Yu’s ears—eyes on lyrics—brow micro-knit—gaze deep.
Too familiar.
Familiar enough to recite every word inside now.
One year she played it hundreds of times—another year removed from every playlist—like deleting Jiang Ya—clean.
*Head down murmuring—bias toward you too obvious*
*Clown spinning in place—hurt won’t stop*
Too obvious.
Those two years were obvious.
One question never asked Jiang Ya. They say near fire you feel heat—back then she was so special—before she said it aloud—did Jiang Ya feel nothing at all?
Not even a trace?
*No answer—what to do—can’t stand self-deception*
*Indulging—liked hated spoiled tired—dimming one by one*
Right—how could Jiang Ya know.
Qi Yu laughed very lightly inside.
Jiang Ya had said—they could hold umbrellas for each other, comfort as friends, even heal like family—but not—not—
*Shouldn’t—give up—let go—cut off—helpless—impatient*
*Doesn’t count…*
But what use thinking now.
Why obsess over her initiative.
Why guess her meaning.
Why replay the past.
Qi Yu you should know—then and now—however Jiang Ya changes—she is still her—she will never give the answer you want to hear.
Song ended—Qi Yu stared at void—corner of mouth up a fraction—ripple inside long unsettled.
Someone in the group: “I used to listen to this a lot—know why no intro, no outro?”
“Why?” someone answered.
Qi Yu heard—it was Jiang Ya.
Eyes slid—did not fully look.
“That person said—like secret crush—they say—no warning start—no result end.”
“Lots of relationships—sudden start sudden end—‘time dries us out unrelated’—that idea?”
“Secret crush—Jiang Ya’s expert.” Li Tong patted her back. “Back then—so many crushed on you—guys and girls.”
“Shame you don’t like girls—I’d crush on you too.” Li Tong joked.
Last line made Qi Yu’s heart jump—drinking—stole glance at Jiang Ya.
Jiang Ya did not deny.
Did not admit either—half-smile—unreadable—raised cup—sip—did not follow Li Tong.
Moment later Qi Yu set cup down—heard her again:
“Li Tong, more beer? I want a can too.”
.
After Li Tong opened Jiang Ya’s first beer—it did not stop—several more—shared but Jiang Ya clearly drunk.
Otherwise she would not grab the mic—several songs—until voice hoarse—rest—half rest—mic again—crowd cheered—only Qi Yu frowning watching.
Near midnight—over. Everyone home—Jiang Ya drove—no drunk driving.
Li Tong looked around—gave sending Jiang Ya home to Qi Yu.
Fortunately not unconscious—maybe tipsy sleepy—still knew where to stop—could mumble illogic in the car now and then.
Apartment near the school—fifteen minutes from mall. Half Qi Yu’s mind not on driving—blink—stopped at her building.
Car stopped—neither moved.
Passenger slumped on door, eyes closed—peaceful sleep—breath long steady—seemed asleep.
Qi Yu did not wake her—turned—traced Jiang Ya’s features.
Without makeup—plain lotus. With makeup—in dim light now—something unreadable soft and alluring.
First time seeing someone merge cool and charm just right—not too cold not too made-up.
Who knows how long watching—eyelids stirred—before wake—Qi Yu woke herself—unbuckled.
“Here already?” Jiang Ya’s eyes still misty—blinked—looked around.
“Mm. Didn’t know your usual spot—saw space here.”
“Fine here.” Voice dragged—sleepy—slightly husky.
Unbuckled—got out together.
Drunk not fully sober—steps uncontrolled—wobbling—almost fell.
“You okay?” Qi Yu quick to her side—confirmed standing—slowly pulled back half-raised hand—worried look.
“Fine.” Head down—face in dark—unclear.
At last looked up—lashes not fully lifted—not at Qi Yu. “Thanks for the ride. Keys—I’ll go up myself.”
“……” Brow never unknit—keys in her palm. “Don’t mention it.”
“…You sure you can?”
“Yeah. No stairs. Elevator to four.”
“……”
Qi Yu wanted to say much—afraid she’d fall halfway—afraid creep in elevator—afraid everything.
Out loud only: “You sure? You’re drunk.”
Jiang Ya looked at her—slow serious words: “I’m not drunk.”
Bag in hand—figure swaying in dim night—“I know my limit—didn’t dare much—only… a few cups—just sleepy—not drunk.”
Qi Yu followed step for step. “More than a few—Li Tong kept pouring—you didn’t stop—kept drinking.”
Tone carried blame she did not notice.
Ahead did not answer—tall figure into dark—not toward the building—opposite to stone bench under trees.
Sat heavy—hands on bench sides—head dropped—hair loose—white streetlight on her—lonely bleak.
Qi Yu watched—could not help—stopped before her—shadow covered Jiang Ya completely.
Soft voice broke quiet: “What’s wrong today? Why so much drink?”
“You don’t like alcohol smell?”
“When did I say that?” Jiang Ya pushed hair up—innocent eyes up at her.
“You… said before.” Brow deeper—then helpless—sat beside Jiang Ya.
Night wind cold—whistling—leaves loud—silence under the tree extreme.
“You unhappy tonight?” Qi Yu lost the silent standoff after all.
“Sort of.” Jiang Ya looked down—blink blink at their two shadows side by side on ground.
Qi Yu: “Why?”
Jiang Ya: “Don’t know.”
Qi Yu: “………”
“So… can you stay with me a bit?” Sudden turn. “Just talk… a little.”
Qi Yu helpless—small curve lips. “Aren’t I talking with you?”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Then… can I lean on you again?” Answer off question—sincere—probably drunk.
“Lean on me… what do you mean?”
“Like this.”
Before Qi Yu reacted—right shoulder sank—tingle shoulder to whole body—stiff frozen.
Jiang Ya’s head on her shoulder—not quite right—nudged adjusting.
“Qi Yu.”
Maybe ten seconds—maybe minutes—murmur at her ear.
“What?” Sparks inside—she pressed down chaos—low voice.
“What’s right—what’s wrong?”
“………” dared not move much—throat hard—“What do you mean?”
“Not wanting marriage—must that be wrong?”
Stunned—then: “Of course not. Marriage is personal choice—no right or wrong…”
“Family pushing blind date again?” Neck finally moved—chin careful on Jiang Ya’s hair.
“Mm.”
Warmth left fast—Jiang Ya sat straight—digging in bag.
“Last time you know—I wasn’t satisfied—didn’t contact again.”
“Family disagrees—think more time to judge.”
“They said—don’t hold ideas of not marrying not having kids—even for yourself should have a family.”
“I… don’t really understand.”
Under Qi Yu’s eyes—cigarettes and lighter from bag.
Qi Yu stunned—forgot what she meant to say—watched Jiang Ya light skilled—smoke straight out—mist into night ink.
“You… when did you start smoking?” Unbelievable—hard to link to old Jiang Ya.
Not that smoking was strange—everyone has pressure.
But she never imagined someone like clear moon wind would need smoke for despair.
Jiang Ya slow: “Forgot. Tried secretly long ago. After work—occasionally.”
“Strange I smoke… right?” Sad smile at her.
“Not strange. Bad moods—no outlet—only this.”
“You tried?”
“………” watched her crush half cigarette—toss bin.
Did not answer—asked: “So tonight—drinking—family conflict?”
“……sort of.”
“So………”
Head down—self-mocking laugh inside—why still not repent—why still fantasize—lucky hope.
Right—if not family what else.
“But not only that.” After a beat—the rest.
Eyelids lifted—side glance. “What else?”
“Huh……” deep breath—cold washing despair sorrow—
Then looked at her—eyes glinting wet—“Also… because of you.”
“Because of me?” Play dumb—smile—“Because of what?”
Jiang Ya: “Confession night?”
Qi Yu: “……can be.”
“Then I’ll say.” Leaned back on bench—sky without stars—“Actually I get it—what you said.”
“What did I say?”
“Paper torn—glued—trace remains—so cracked relations can’t fully repair.”
Silence.
Then: “I didn’t mean only you—just my view.”
“I know.” Smile still soft. “Including me—right?”
“Can I ask one thing?” Qi Yu back. Jiang Ya assent. “I think we’re fine like now—don’t you?”
“Or why… always want perfect repair—like before? We’re friends now—aren’t we?”
“Just ordinary friends— isn’t that good?” Eyes deep—straight into Jiang Ya’s.
She saw ripples in dark eyes—then hear: “No.”
Heart jumped fast—brow tight. “Why not?”
“I…” avoided direct look—brow knit—face away—“Hard to explain… but you’re my only friend… so many years—only you.”
“Ordinary friends—I understand—we’re only a little better than strangers now—aren’t we.”
“I just…” just don’t want to lose you.
Lips pressed—eyes that always smiled now sad.
“Just don’t want to lose your last friend—right?” Qi Yu finished for her—cool thin smile.
She knew—Jiang Ya did not need her—she happened to be the one friend Jiang Ya could not spare.
Only that.
So please—no extra ideas.
Really ridiculous.
Qi Yu turned—tone shifted. “I get what you mean—but I’ll be honest—said once before.”
“You know.” Brow deep—complex gaze. “Why I’m like this—you know.”
“Not your fault—not mine either—I don’t want this—do you understand?”
If she could choose—she’d choose never liking Jiang Ya.
Reality had no choice.
Jiang Ya stalled—lip twitched. “What… do you mean?”
“If I could choose—I’d want us good friends—I don’t want my feelings to make it like this…”
“We’re adults—be realistic—what happened happened—I deleted you afraid I’d fall in—afraid I’d bother you—afraid you’d hate me—think my liking disgusting… you know?”
Voice choked finishing—she shocked herself.
Jiang Ya eyes wide—shocked too.
Before she recovered—Qi Yu went on:
“So I gave myself seven years—dilute—I honestly never planned to see you again—or be friends again…”
“But we met—talked—I’ll say straight.”
“We two—maybe only suit ordinary friends.”
“Closer… really doesn’t work.”