Chapter 59

He wanted Jing Miao to know this, even though the way he did it hurt him deeply:
Xi Siyan cannot live without you. You must grow well and stay with him for life.
The moment they got back inside and took off their masks, they began kissing, tangled together, as if desperate to press each other into their own bodies.
In the midst of that losing-control hunger, Xi Siyan briefly thought about something unrelated—his need for Jing Miao.
His obsession with him was incurable, and when emotions burned hot, it became especially frightening.
On the surface Xi Siyan looked upright and restrained, but in bed he was not exactly gentle.
Too many quirks, too much strength; only his mouth could coax and deceive.
He was very different from his usual self.
Jing Miao was often left feeling as if he had been beaten, his skin marked with overlapping reds and blues.
One summer, Wang Song came by the house and happened to see fresh marks peeking out from under Jing Miao’s short sleeves—only his face was clean.
He was so shocked he couldn’t close his mouth:
“Xi Siyan, are you even human? I almost want to call the police!”
Xi Siyan thought:
Wang Song is never coming to my house again.
As for Jing Miao, this body had long since melted for him.
That night Jing Miao was above him, his bare, thin back glowing softly in the dark.
Xi Siyan couldn’t see clearly; when his hand traced those shoulder blades, he could almost believe wings might grow there.
Jing Miao’s bones were beautiful, his skin was beautiful—
in short, the poison Xi Siyan could never quit for life.
At the flash of white in his mind, Xi Siyan thought:
What if I’m still this lustful at forty? Fifty?
Would the capital’s men’s clinic reserve me a bed, diagnosis: overindulgence?
“Baby, I love you.”
Jing Miao lay pinned on the bed as if nailed there, fingers unable to move.
He said: “Gege, kiss me.”
So Xi Siyan held him and kissed him.
“Gege, I love you too. I love you most.”
Mm, I know.
Xi Siyan said:
“Sleep, baby.”
The consequence was that the person in his arms woke the next morning warm with a low fever.
Xi Siyan slapped himself once.
Last night he had gone too far.
By the end, Jing Miao had barely had strength to speak.
Xi Siyan had only wiped him down quickly with a towel and tissues before sleeping.
Now he had a fever.
Xi Siyan got up, went downstairs, cooked porridge, and prepared medicine.
When he returned, the bedroom door was locked from inside.
“Baby! Why did you lock the door? Open it now!”
Xi Siyan pounded on the door and could only hear Jing Miao crying inside.
“Go away! Go away, gege! Call someone to take me! Don’t come near me!”
Xi Siyan was bewildered.
Jing Miao was crying hard, shouting at full force.
Xi Siyan couldn’t think of anything else; he kicked the lock in.
The instant Jing Miao saw the door open, his first reaction was to grab Xi Siyan’s pajamas from the bedside and press them tightly over his own nose and mouth.
Terrified, muffled, he turned and ran for the bathroom.
Xi Siyan set things down and closed the distance in a few long strides, grabbing him into his arms.
“What are you doing, Miaomiao!”
Jing Miao cried and pushed him:
“I have a fever. I’m sick. Don’t hold me, don’t come near me! People will die! Gege, call someone to take me away!”
Xi Siyan’s chest flooded with love.
Without noticing, his grip loosened for a second and Jing Miao bolted, locking himself in the bathroom.
Xi Siyan got angry.
In seven or eight years, he had rarely called him by full name:
“Jing Miao, what did we say last night? What did we vow at our wedding? Did you forget all of it?”
Inside, Jing Miao cried without daring to answer.
“You won’t come out, right? Fine. Gege is leaving. I’ll buy a ticket to Hongcheng right now.”
The bathroom door flew open.
The child still covered his face with clothing, still keeping distance from him:
“Gege, don’t go!”
Xi Siyan quickly pulled him back to the bed, ignored his struggling, yanked away the cloth, and shared breath with him directly.
Jing Miao was terrified out of his mind.
Xi Siyan smiled:
“There. Too late now. We can only die together.”
The child fully broke down, crying soundlessly at first, then retching after only a couple sobs—emotion choking his chest.
Only then did Xi Siyan realize he had gone too far with the scare.
He immediately cupped his face and soothed him:
“I was teasing you. We won’t die. You’re not infected. Listen to me, baby.”
He patted his back to help him breathe.
“You have to have contact to catch this, right? We’ve stayed home properly these past days, haven’t we?”
“Do you know why you have fever?”
“Because gege was careless yesterday and didn’t clean you properly afterward.”
“Every time we don’t clean properly, you get fever, right? Think about it.”
Only then did Jing Miao slowly stop crying.
“I’m really not sick?”
“Good baby. You’re just normally unwell, low fever. Take medicine and you’ll be fine.”
He kissed his cheek.
“Little fool. Think—if we were truly infected, we’ve been together every day without separation. We would’ve escaped nothing already.”
He pretended to be stern, making Jing Miao sit straight and look at him:
“Repeat it. What did we say in our wedding vows? What did gege tell you last night?”
Jing Miao, voice trembling with tears, stammered:
“Last night gege said we should accompany each other until… until death. At the wedding we said no matter… no matter rich or poor… no matter sickness or health…”
“We are forever, never leaving each other,” Xi Siyan finished for him. “Did you forget? Did you stop loving gege? Miaomiao, how can you be so cruel? You break your promise—are you going to be the heartless one?”
Jing Miao was stunned by the “accusation,” only able to cry and deny it:
“No. I love gege most. Love gege most!”
Xi Siyan smiled, satisfied.
“Mm. Then no more hurting gege’s heart like this, understood?”
Jing Miao nodded and said, “Sorry, gege.”
After hesitating, he slowly reached out and hugged him, resting his chin in Xi Siyan’s shoulder hollow, kissing the side of his neck.
“Gege, Happy Spring Festival.”
Xi Siyan stroked his hair.
“Happy Spring Festival.”
This was their first ten years.
Xi Siyan thought: the future is still long; there is still a whole lifetime.
My treasure, may you stay happy forever, and healthy forever.